When I first met you I wanted to hold your hand.
Standing there in the Bar with your back to the column, I wanted to reach out and pull you close and forget where I was and what my life had brought me to that point. But, unfortunately you were untouchable. You seemed to taunt me with your presence. Daring me to do the things I could not. Your smile radiated a sense of strength yet openness. You were pulling me to the surface and threatening to drag me into the light.
It scared me while tantalizing images of us together haunted the back of my brain.
It all came crashing down and you evaporated when “O” showed up. I felt a sense of loss and frustration. Of doom and helplessness. And I did not want to feel that again.
So I did my best to avoid you for my own safety and sanity. You were too much to want. Too much to hope for.
But it was so hard.
At the beach cleanup I feared seeing you while at the same time wanted dearly to be close to you. Winning the doorprize fleece was both a blessing and a curse. Each time I wore it I thought of you and it made me feel that much closer to you but also highlighted the fact that you needed to stay far away.
When I was invited to your place for your birthday I agonized about the offer. If it were not for TG and his lack of morals I would not have ventured to your place. Sitting at the table with you and the other women and talking about orgasms and laughing was torturous but delicious at the same time. I was jealous of the familiarity the women had with you. I wanted to be in that circle. I was giddy with the acceptance of my presence.
Stalking you on the internet to find your last name and phone number was so clandestine that it made me shudder. When I found reference to you I needed even more information. Reading about your fencing win felt so personal and I almost stopped there. It was again too tantalizing and offered another dimension to you that I relished but was also frustrating. You grew larger in my mind.
I do not know how I managed to invite you over. I agonized over it. My heart pounded. There was fear as well as a bit of hope that you would deny my offer. Would I be able to handle having you all to myself?
When you did come over I was overwhelmed with happiness. Words flowed easily and the radiating energy of sitting together on the couch drinking wine was wonderful. Making love, (and it was making love to you from my perspective) was not actually how I wanted things to begin but it was fabulous. Our undulating bodies on the floor of the dining room seemed less romantic and lingering than I would have liked. I wanted to absorb you much more slowly. That being said it was a dream come true.
Moving into your house was so easy. The sheer enjoyment of being a daily part of your life was amazing.
To this day, the little things made me happy and relish life. Sharing the bathroom sink. Bathing together. Meeting you at the door with a gin and tonic. Cleaning your range. Doing the dishes. It all brought me closer to your existence.
It is for all the above that I completely understand the sheer love BF has for you. I understand where he is coming from. I understand his need. The similarities of both of our introduction to you and our pasts are undeniable. From where I watch, I am pleased for him. That stage of Love is a wonderful, if agonizing, feeling. Uncontrollable Love is like that.
Things may have seemed to have changed between you and I. We have moved into another stage of our relationship where familiarity may appear to have taken over from the passion. I may not be as giddy and open with my conversations and we are comfortable in our respective spots on the couch. None of that means I love you less. If anything, I love you more. You are no longer a dream I want to make real, you are a dream that has become real. And I am so happy for it. I am so grateful for it.
The silence between us never feels oppressive (unless you are in a bad mood or I have done something wrong…). The silence is one of comfort in the knowledge that we are together and there is no need to reinforce our love. I do not want to cuddle simply because it is required or expected. I want to cuddle because I want to feel you next to me at that moment. However, sitting on the couch, two feet apart and being able to reach out and touch your elbow is just as beautiful.
Your relationship with me and your relationship with BF are at completely different points. I often say that you and I are still in our honeymoon and I still believe that. You and BF are in the early stages of overwhelming love and desire. Both are very powerful and both are valuable. They are just expressed differently. The way you reach out and hold his hand or wrap your arms around him or even the way you both kiss are very different from how you and I interact. You kiss each other as if it might be days or weeks until you will have the opportunity again. You and I kiss to acknowledge our love and our bond.
The pitfall is if we start to compare the types of love. This can not be done. There is no comparison. There is understanding but one can not be evaluated next to the other. Sometimes I do this and I believe you do this as well and it is for this reason that you bring up the infrequency of our love-making or that I am not cuddling you as often and why you seem to have a sense of relief when I pull you close and kiss you passionately. It is as if you are awaiting or wanting some substantiation for my love for you.
This I can not give. I do not know how to express any further the amount of love I have for you. There are no bounds to it and it is pervasive in all I do and in every minute of the day. I think of you constantly and the thought of seeing you at the end of the work day propels me toward that encounter and makes the days flow by faster.
I do not believe in auras but I do believe that Love radiates around us. Being within two feet of you or from a distance while you are at work I can feel our love and our connection. It wafts over me at every moment and I thank the world for it.
You are my Queen and my Love and my Everything.
I love you.