I am starting to feel as if I am intruding on KB’s thoughts.
Bearing in mind that I have been reading The Ethical Slut and have fully embraced the notion that Jealousy and Fear are my own emotions and I cannot blame them on any one else. I actually welcome those feelings as they represent a needed battle between perception and reality. Bearing the above in mind, I Know my initial statement is probably false but then again…
No, I do not think that it is false. I think it is true but I also think that it is understandable and I should not be scared by it.
I can see it in her eyes and gestures that she is thinking about Boyfriend. She now carries her phone around with her religiously as if it is his very hand. She immediately reads his Loving text messages and responds immediately. Occasionally she lets me read them. But certainly not every time. I feel as if she is editing. Or censoring.
It used to be that she constantly forgot her phone or would never be able to answer it in time. She still, despite having her phone close to her body constantly now, finds it hard to answer my texts to her.
It is hard not to feel Jealous.
She tells me that he is not as good a lover as I am. I don’t believe her. He may not know some techniques but he is learning and there is no substitute for her very evident Passion for him. She does keep telling me how much of a wonderful guy he is, though.
It is hard not to feel Jealous.
When he comes over he is overly generous to me with compliments and bringing Pumpkin Pie. He clings to my every word and me and is animated in his desire to impress me. KB is equally animated in her constant reiterating that he is constantly worried about how I feel about things. Again, he is such a Wonderful Guy. I am told often how she did not expect this and how continuously surprised she is at how much of a Wonderful Guy he is. There is the fact that she says she melts in his arms and gets wet immediately in the back stairwell when they meet during work hours.
What a Wonderful Guy.
It is hard not to feel Jealous.
And then there is the Fact that I Know I am somehow interrupting her thoughts. Bringing her Back to Earth and back to her Family. That is not to say that she is not there for us. Yes, she has not stopped being the Picture of the Perfect Wife and Mother. The fact that she can be those things while at the same time keeping a significant amount of Brain Cells focused on Boyfriend is testament to her Amazing Abilities. The Fact that she leaves me, albeit I willingly accept this, alone in the living room most evenings so that she can talk with Boyfriend on the phone.
I do wonder how he manages this amount of contact while having a Wife and Kid at home who know nothing of the Relationship. I mean if it is taking this much time away from my time with KB, and I willingly accept it, how does he do it? I guess that is also a clear indication of how barren his marriage is. I can’t help but think how lucky she is for having this much Freedom.
It is hard not to feel Jealous.
But, I own this Jealously and I have to admit that it is getting better. While I know I am interrupting her and that I probably do not, and may never have, instill in her this much Passion and Lingering Sensations after Love Making that he obviously can, and I do not pull her into nightly engrossing conversations, I also must feel some form of Satisfaction for being able to at least be in a position of accepting her Freedom and having her as My Wife and Mother of my Children.
I know that she will not stop Loving me. I know that she will never leave me. But in the face of the Passion and Desire and Love she has for Boyfriend, I wonder if she will stop Wanting me.
I guess, though, that two out of three ain’t bad.
It is hard not to feel Jealous but I own it.
